totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
