My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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