May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
