Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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