I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
