Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
