I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
