you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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