what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
