Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
