It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
