I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
