God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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