White coat. Heels.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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