just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
40s are totally the cure
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
