im six kinds of drunk right now
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
