I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
