So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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