Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.