Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.