You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.