So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
