he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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