My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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