I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
There's always time for handjobs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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