I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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