I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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