after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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