atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
