I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
