i need an iv and a liver transplant
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
