Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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