Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
