all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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