True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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