What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
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hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
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Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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