Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
handjob tips. give me some.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
