I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
