I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
