Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
