How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
