wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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