I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
