i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
