I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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