listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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