There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
