I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
