Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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