Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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