a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
