That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize