he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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