I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
