I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
