1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
