I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
