I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you had me at cake vodka
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
