So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
