your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
