There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
